Athen wasn't walking and she was not even hardly even communicating. Now, at exactly one year old, I was to care for her while working under the state and while trying to get my brother and his wife to see the possibilities of them being different and raising a healthy family. At this point I was still hoping they would step up and then the rest of my dream need never come true. I worked for a year with them. I worked for the state and though they are trying to do good in a fairly hopeless environment, but the reality is they have more rights then me and they shouldn't. I spent quite a few months going over to my brothers home before the state came in and would knock on the door, knowing she was in the apartments, yet would never answer. I would put my mouth to the edge of the door and yell that if she needed anything to give me a call.
How does one talk about ones experiences with the state? It is far from enjoyable and to even say it is rewarding for me or my family would be a lie. I did learn though that they have people working for them who have not had children of their own. who don't know that it is ok if a child has green poop sometimes and who have no interest in your own family surviving intact while you take care of the children under their care. I learned they are nosy and question me on very intimate details of my life and put me through the ringer. I learned it is ok for them and the birth parents to be late to an appointment, but as the foster parent it is not allowed. I also learned to thank God for Guardian ad litems that are relaxed and do trust you. And that if I state what is best for the children with confidence they would listen to me.
But it does not negate the fact that as a relative if I had gone in and taken the children out of harms way I would have ended in jail, yet the state could go in and do the same thing and have it be appropriate. I just have mixed feelings on them. I don't think I will ever be clear on the state.
The second baby was born two months after we got Athen. A boy, they named his Aren. They kept my sister-in-law and baby in a rehab home hoping bonding and learning to care for a child could be done. About three months later, we received a call from the state saying the baby was labeled "failure to thrive" and would we take him? We did and at 40 and three kids of my own, I was now juggling two foster children and I kid you not, the state and their meetings and classes ( required parenting classes for me and husband, and other classes too) took more time then I got to spend with my own family. It was a sacrifice for our whole family and without any rewards other then the ones I taught my children. The ones of love and giving and not judging and not giving up just because life got harder.
Sometimes blessings come in mixed up packages. they give us something, but they also take something away. for me it took away my naivete.
It went this way for a whole year. She would be found with drugs and have to start over and they would give chance after chance trying to help her overcome something I don't mind telling you, that may have been too high of a mountain for her. My sister-in-law came from crap and she was still living in crap. I am not sure if she has ever known anything else. I do not excuse her, I just state that it is hard to be angry at someone who has never understood that she is capable of more or even of something different. Though my brother was taught better, he too didn't feel he could do much more then he already did. He was the great enabler, if he didn't acknowledge it then it must not be a problem. Of the two parents, Athen had trust for my brother. He would play with her when he got home, before he would fall asleep on the couch. Athen slept on the couch and played on the couch. he told me this with pride when I first got her. "She won't get off, so you don't have to worry. She'll stay there all day. She fell off once and never again. She is smart."
That is how Athen was cared for.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Bargains with God
It actually started before the two youngest were born. Their parents were constantly drinking, doing drugs and living in little hell holes. My father calls my brother a "working alcoholic", he knows how much to drink during the week and still get to work in the morning and don't mess with him on weekends as that is when he will black out. His girlfriend also was using and drinking and she had a three year old who could hardly speak and rarely got out unless her very drugged up grandmother came to get her.
That is how they were before they had children and that is how it stayed only it got harder and harder to contain it once they had my dear little Athen.
The week that Athen was born, I had a dream. (it often starts with a dream for me) I was taking Athen to Kindergarten and I knew she was mine. I woke up very upset and told God, " I would never take a child from their parents. People are put together in families to grow and aid each other on this earth and to me Parents and children are necessary for that growth." I then said, the only way I would ever try to do that is if she was put right in my lap".
Athen was a Meth baby. She was in the ICU. My daughter and I went to visit and when you go into one of those rooms where all of the children are suffering, it can floor you. There is much pain and anger, I believe from a child who has to go through the agony of being weaned off of drugs. They give them Morphine and then they wait till the pain reaches a certain threshold and then they administer it again. This happens for each child differently. For Athen it was 2 months. I would see Athen once a month on weekends till After they came home from the rehab place, for mothers and their children. I didn't see Athen again until we were at a shower for my sister where Athen's mom was already under the influence again, barely able to converse at the party. I think that is also where I learned that my sister - in- law ( by that time) was expecting again. She would have had to have gotten pregnant while in the rehab place. A place where no men are allowed.
I was at the wedding festivities of my niece when I received a call from my brother. He was crying and saying," I don't care if you want to adopt her or foster her, just come and get Athen." The state had come into their home, breaking open the door and all of the drama that accompanies that and taken both daughters. I knew then that God was setting something in motion. I had told him my conditions and he was meeting them. My brother had just put her in my lap.
That is how they were before they had children and that is how it stayed only it got harder and harder to contain it once they had my dear little Athen.
The week that Athen was born, I had a dream. (it often starts with a dream for me) I was taking Athen to Kindergarten and I knew she was mine. I woke up very upset and told God, " I would never take a child from their parents. People are put together in families to grow and aid each other on this earth and to me Parents and children are necessary for that growth." I then said, the only way I would ever try to do that is if she was put right in my lap".
Athen was a Meth baby. She was in the ICU. My daughter and I went to visit and when you go into one of those rooms where all of the children are suffering, it can floor you. There is much pain and anger, I believe from a child who has to go through the agony of being weaned off of drugs. They give them Morphine and then they wait till the pain reaches a certain threshold and then they administer it again. This happens for each child differently. For Athen it was 2 months. I would see Athen once a month on weekends till After they came home from the rehab place, for mothers and their children. I didn't see Athen again until we were at a shower for my sister where Athen's mom was already under the influence again, barely able to converse at the party. I think that is also where I learned that my sister - in- law ( by that time) was expecting again. She would have had to have gotten pregnant while in the rehab place. A place where no men are allowed.
I was at the wedding festivities of my niece when I received a call from my brother. He was crying and saying," I don't care if you want to adopt her or foster her, just come and get Athen." The state had come into their home, breaking open the door and all of the drama that accompanies that and taken both daughters. I knew then that God was setting something in motion. I had told him my conditions and he was meeting them. My brother had just put her in my lap.
why I do this blog
I'm forty three, I had my three children and my youngest is on his way into his teenage years. My husband was already planning all of the fun we would have with just us. I was imagining a time when the only children in my home would be visiting grandchildren. But in the back of my mind, I knew that scenario might never happen.
Though, it may be said that all families are dysfunctional, it is better said that some are more dysfunctional then others. My family, the one I grew up in, is chock full of issues and many of the "issuers" love to act as if their actions don't effect anyone else.
So long story short we now have 2 new children in our family. They are my brother and his wife's birth children, but they are now mine. Fully adopted into our family and it seems that we are going for a new ride.
I am writing this blog for people like me who felt alone and burdened and victimized by the "system" and by relatives who should have had healthy boundaries and been willing to sacrifice for the ones they brought into the world. For grandparents, cousins, brothers and sisters who decide that they must do this for the good of innocent children so they can have hope that there is something better then what they started out with. To give them love and to build a new family. And for those same giving people who still are having to struggle with resentment and blame and denial and learning disabilities and attachment issues... The list is long, and yet we are trying constantly to show love and be at peace with the whole thing. It is hard. Sometimes there is doubt for me. There are so many versions of the truth, but for me the truth is what I live and see. So in this blog do not assume I see only the good in me and the "bad" in everyone else, what I do is state it in my perspective and through my journey of learning and healing.
I hope that this creates a place where you will feel a comradeship, a place of understanding you are not alone on your noble journey.
Though, it may be said that all families are dysfunctional, it is better said that some are more dysfunctional then others. My family, the one I grew up in, is chock full of issues and many of the "issuers" love to act as if their actions don't effect anyone else.
So long story short we now have 2 new children in our family. They are my brother and his wife's birth children, but they are now mine. Fully adopted into our family and it seems that we are going for a new ride.
I am writing this blog for people like me who felt alone and burdened and victimized by the "system" and by relatives who should have had healthy boundaries and been willing to sacrifice for the ones they brought into the world. For grandparents, cousins, brothers and sisters who decide that they must do this for the good of innocent children so they can have hope that there is something better then what they started out with. To give them love and to build a new family. And for those same giving people who still are having to struggle with resentment and blame and denial and learning disabilities and attachment issues... The list is long, and yet we are trying constantly to show love and be at peace with the whole thing. It is hard. Sometimes there is doubt for me. There are so many versions of the truth, but for me the truth is what I live and see. So in this blog do not assume I see only the good in me and the "bad" in everyone else, what I do is state it in my perspective and through my journey of learning and healing.
I hope that this creates a place where you will feel a comradeship, a place of understanding you are not alone on your noble journey.
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